Which Love Would you Like for the Holidays?
I was talking with a friend about her new love interest. After years of post-divorce self-subscribed abstinence, she met someone, and he was perfect, but for one thing. They had been together for a year, and he had not said the big three words. But he was always doing things for her. Every weekend, he blew off her yard. The other day, she found him changing the air filters and replacing a rotted fence board she did not know she had. He even cooked for her, her kids, and her extended, wildly insane family. But he had not said I love you. I shook my head as she talked. "You had me at leaf blowing," I said. "Have you considered his love language is different from yours?" She shrugged and said she liked hearing it. I reminded her that the former husband was excellent with words but not so much with actions. "Love is a Verb," I said.
I remember it was late afternoon when my daughter was in high school, and I walked into the kitchen to her unloading the dishwasher. At least, I thought it was her. A strong-headed teen female meets a menopausal, slightly OCD mother was our Bravo show in the making, and I had never seen her unload the dishwasher without being asked. I said, "Is something wrong?" and she scoffed that she had read about the different love languages, and since mine was "acts of service," she was trying to do something nice. "Well, you nailed it," I said. "How do I get you back?"
"Diamond earrings?" Instead, we made dinner together that night and every night after that for as long as she was home. We listened to music while she chopped up mushrooms, and I sauteed the onions. She explained that her top two of the 5 Love Languages were spending quality time and giving or receiving gifts. "Good to know," I said. And it was. As hokey as it sounds, learning the love language of those I care about most has helped me understand them better.
The holidays are the best time to consider love languages. No one wants my husband's name for Christmas, and it is not because he is the man who has everything. He is the man who has a lot of dry-fit workout shirts and Bombas, and that's about it. Watching him open presents is hard because I know how little he values them. I laugh thinking of the many years I toiled over what to get when all he ever wanted was to hang out and occasionally get a hug or a back rub. Gift-giving and receiving are not his language. Quality time and physical touch are.
The manufacturers and marketers have love languages figured out. If your language is quality time, buy a gingerbread house kit and get the gang together. If it is acts of service, clean up after the gingerbread house, then set your table with holiday chargers and dishes, decorate every nook of your house, and buy exceptional food and beverages for the parties you will host. For those who need affirmation, order that holiday dress, accessories, and a selfie stick. And finally, if physical touch is your language, do all of the above, and I bet you'll get lucky.
The good news about love languages is that most of us are multilingual, giving us room to maneuver. For example, with Love is a Verb as my mantra, I enjoy little more than loading up the toolbox and a U-Haul to help someone build a new nest. It knocks at my top two love languages, acts of service and quality time. But let's face it, a full DIY weekend is a grand love gesture, and sometimes a sweet text will do the trick. Still, for that special person who takes my plate after I finish dinner and cleans the kitchen after I have cooked, you are forever sealed like a big heart-shaped emoji.
What would it look like in our friend and family circles if we customized holiday giving to everyone's love languages? At a minimum, the question, "What would make you feel most loved vs. what material thing do you most want," could make for an interesting discussion over wassail or wine. The answers could be challenging, provocative, or simple and doable. The answer could resemble Christmas, circa 2005, when my husband handed over my gift, which was still in the Home Depot bag. I was so excited about the drill bits I had asked for that I almost missed the diamond earrings. Of course, he was delighted with the big, public hug that was his receipt for both.
As we change, so can our love language, so it is important to check back occasionally. My daughter retook the quiz recently and found acts of service had taken over the gift-giving of her past. I guess when you are finally on your own in the world, help feels like love, and giving help does too.
After dating for many years, my friend and her boyfriend moved in together. He is a quality time guy, so nights after work, they watch TV together that she would not watch alone like fishing shows and professional hockey. And each day, he does something nice for her and sends her affirmation memes. It is working out.