Feel the Age You Feel
My Apple watch buzzed me first thing. It was Global Running Day, and if I joined the millions worldwide in a 5K, I would receive a special metallic spinning token. I could do that. I could join the world and run a 5K. I should be able to.
I used to be a runner. I trained each summer for the annual Fourth of July 10K in Monteagle, Tennessee, where I won the little plastic trophy for my age group two years in a row until frigging Becky Buffington in her Lululemon crop top kicked my ass so hard I couldn't be mad. I ran and finished four half marathons in under two hours, accomplishing my goals despite sleep deprivation after I stayed up trying to guess the age of the people having raucous sex off and on all night long in the hotel room above us. The last half marathon was with my husband, whom I almost divorced every time he stopped to pee or tie his shoelaces, which was often. Who doesn't double knot their shoelaces when racing for time? He likely did both on purpose as payback for my registering him for his fortieth birthday in the first place.
Last night, we watched an episode of Hacks, a fantastic multi-generational comedy-drama starring Jean Smart and Hannah Einbinder on HBO Max. Jean's character is a standup comedian who struggles with aging. She refuses to get hearing aids and persistently "refreshes" her face to look closer to the age she feels like she still is.
Running is like that for me—and getting on the roof with a leaf blower. When I run now, I am the age I feel I am, not the age the clock says. Self-preservation has it that I no longer train for events, I don't run every day, and "run" is not an accurate verb—I jog on the flat and walk the hills, always grateful for a long, subtle hill. I run nostalgically and not for the endorphins I sought after a long day at work or between kid activities on weekends, pulling my shoes from the back seat of my car for a quick and energizing fix.
Back then, I was running against time. These days, like Jean Smart's character, I am always running out of it. Her character laments youth as wasted on the young. She wants to sleep late and waste a whole day doing nothing without worrying she is missing a chance or not savoring the one she already has.
On Global Running Day, I had every intention to participate with the millions of runners worldwide, but before I could get to the running, I wanted to migrate the website I have used since 2015 to a different platform. I am preparing to release my debut novel, Back to Blue Holly (women's fiction coming soon!), so the site needed a refresh. The domain transfer hit precisely when my husband got home from work at the end of the day, and I realized I had spent all of it on the website, missing my global run—no gold, spinning token for me.
Funny enough, I had no regrets. With its youthful fonts, flashy vector art, and newsletter pop-up, my new website was a good substitute for the run. Setting a goal, having the courage to dig in, figuring out the kinks, and designing something fun and pretty ended up making me feel the way running makes me feel.
We all have actions or people or things that help us feel ourselves, our ageless selves, regardless of what the clock would have us think. Running, standing on roofs, and rebuilding the website for my new book are three of mine. What are yours, and have you made time for one of them today?